the lost girl in space

2008-11-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

Kapit-bahay ko, sementeryo...
At exactly 6am, tumitilaok na phone ko. Meaning tym na para bumangon, but siyempre ang paborito kong gawin ay "mag-extend ng 3o-minute sleep. Always late ako sa klase ko. Ang maliit na eskinitang to ang dinadaanan ko papuntang skul. Short-cut para di gastos sa pamasahe.

Sila yung mga taong feeling ko walang magawa sa buhay. palagi nila akong tinatanong ng "klase napud ka dai?" Yung may sombrero, si lolo, pag tanghali ay tulog na yan sa ilalim ng puno. Parang nasa sala ng nila.

Eto naman naman yung bonggang-bonggang sementeryo na bumubungad sa umaga ko. Ilang meters lang ang lau niyan from our room. likod kasi ng bhaus namin ang sementeryong yan, nice right?

Sunod kong nadadaanan ay ang makulay na pader na yan. Ang mga pasaway na estudyanteng umieskapo sa kanilang klase ang puno ng lahat. Tapos makikita mo nalang sila sa sementeryo na nag-didate
at kung ano-ano pa...

Parang nasa jungle lang... Well, dumadaan din ako diyan. Di alam ng nanay ko na kung saan-saan napapadpad ang kanyang mabuting anak bago pumasok ng klase...

At last, dito na yung lusot ko... Medyo ginahawa na ng kaunti pero actually, medyo kaunting lakad pa bago dumating sa destination...

Ito naman ang malawak na Freedom Park. Wala lang, yan yung nagsisilbing field, tambayan, tagpuan ng mga lovebirds after class. Wag ka nalang magtaka kung pgdating ng hating gabi ay may mga gumagalaw sa sulok...

Ang kulay asul namang gusaling abot tanaw ay ang skul namin... skul na nag-silbing bahay namin. skul na itinuring kong malaking parte ng buhay ko hindi lang sa pag-aaral kung hindi pati narin sa mga kaibigan at minsan naging kaibig-gan ko... charut... actually, ang point lang namn ng post na ito ay ang i-picture-out kung san ung secret way ko papuntang skul...

2008-11-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

a game of “Love and Duty”

I just finished reading a book entitled “Love and Duty” by Judith Henry Wall. The story turned between three women. Effie was the sweet, charming, beautiful lady who was adored by everybody. Athletic Kate was not that so attractive unlike their cousin. Her father did not show so much affection towards her compared to her younger sister Stella. Stella was brilliant and the ultimate daddy’s girl.

The three of them grew up together and dreamed of their future if they would marry nice men and at the same time have careers. For Effie, the lure of big business; for Kate, it was fame in the world of professional golf; and for Stella, a career in academics.

Their life started in 1930s in an isolated town of Texas to the glamour of Dallas, from World War II and to Washington. They tried to fulfill their childhood dreams. But chances challenged them to give way to the decisions every woman must make: choices of marriage, motherhood, love, and ambition, pain, sacrifice, and hopes.

It made me think. Women were so awful before. They were just expected to be plain housewives, be a good partner to her husband, serve her family, raise children, and no more than that. Only few were given the chance to go into college because they believed that wifehood and motherhood do not require education. Or if ever they would, it was just because they want to search for a better future husband, maybe a lawyer or a businessman. How mean, right?

Another thing, at their teenage, ladies were asked by their mothers if they met or gone out for dates with nice gentlemen. They are also expected to get married at the age of at least 17 because fathers want to see their daughters’ walk down the aisle and exchange vows with their partners. Well, maybe it was just because they want to secure their futures but I think they just took away the chances for them to have their own lives.

During the war, many died, families grieved for the relatives who fought and became heroes. In that case, it was different. Fathers wanted their sons to go to war for the honor and pride, and regretted when bodies came back home lifeless.

Anyway, we’re getting far. It would take time if I would elaborate all the twists of the story. This is the only thing I could say “if I was born during the World War II or earlier than that, I’d be a prisoner of discontentment. I can’t imagine myself staying a four walled house feed babies, clean, do laundry, cook, and forget about my dreams.

Maybe it’s really hard to choose between love and duty. We need love because whether we admit it or not, we need companions to enjoy and grieve with. But we also need careers not just only to earn money but also to earn self fulfillment. We need other people to share everything we have but we also need ourselves to be who we really are. How could we love others completely if could not even love ourselves because a big part of us is missing?

It would better if you will love someone who will give you freedom to pursue your career.

2008-11-09T11:04:00.001-08:00

TOMBOY DILEMMA...

I was a woman. Now? I DON'T KNOW...
Before I had many suitors, but they're gone to nowhere...
Ayaw na nila sakin... i don't know why... My friends calls me "boy". Mahilig silangt mag-abang ng mga chicks.. Nadadala narin ako minsan...
I'm wondering how it feels having a same sex lover. well, anyway, it's just a joke. I'm still a straight girl noh!!!
Gay to gay relationship is somehow not questioned by the society now. Here's my question, what's your view bout girl to girl relationship?

ANG DUDA, MAG-SUPLONG LANG SA PINAKAMALAPIT NA POLICE STATION

nakawan ng palabok

2008-11-07T04:02:00.000-08:00

Laro 4 2day! Nakawan ng Palabok

There were four of us who stayed in the office last night. We were so busy that time. As in, nagbi-busyhan sa blogspot. Sumakit tiyan ko, I was hungry. I asked Colot if she has food and then she gave me biscuits saying “food lang? marami ako niyan.” All of us ate aside from her. I told her “colot, pwede akin nalang ang last na biscuit?” Sumagot siya “bahala ka!”

It was around 2 in the morning when Perpekto cracked a joke saying “ambrucia labas ka, maraming food sa kabilang room hingi ka kac gutom.” I answered him “wag ka nga diyan nakakahiya.” Sabay dinig sa nakakabulahaw na mga boses mula sa kabilang kwarto.

After around 20 minutes, I realized that I needed to go to the comfort room (naiihi lang ako anoh!). When I entered the CR, it was so messy and wala ring tubig sa gripo. So, I had no other choice but to go down stairs heading to the CIT CR. It was so spooky, almost 3am kaya yun then mag-isa lang ako. Nakakapangilabot ang gumala mag-isa sa campus pag gabi, tanaw pa naman ang school bus na may nagpapakita daw dung white lady. Lumalayo na yata tayo…

Tapos, I was about to enter our office when a man called me saying “gusto nyo ng palabok? Marami pa kami dito di rin kasi maubos.” I answered with a very shy smile “thank you nalang sir, nakakahiya.” But the truth is, sabi ng isip ko “yes! grasya na to.” Somebody knocked at the door and when I opened it, isang batang matabang lalake ang nakahawak sa tray ng “palabok.” Kumuha ako ng maraming-marami. Libre na kasi eh.

After I returned the tray, Maniac kept on laughing while Perpekto said “makapal talaga mukha mo ambrucia.” I just ignored them. Anyway, lahat naman kami kumain as in nagpakabusog.” It was around 4am when I slept. Before that, karatatat ko pa si paper doll online din kac.

After 2hours of sleep, we hurried to go home para maligo. When we opened the door, ang mahiwagang tray of palabok was just left in the terrace. Thinking that the tenants occupying the other room already went back to Cebu and expecting na wala akong makain sa bhaus, I grabbed a cellophane and kumuha ng palabok. Makapal talaga ang mukha. I really thought na nakauwi na sila.

When I dropped by in the office around 8:30am before I attended my class, my goodness! Nasa labas sila, nag-aamulsal, kumakain ng plabok! What? PALABOK! Nakakahiya, nanotice kaya nila na kumuha ako doon? Mamaw poh! Bakit kasi ipinanganak akong makapal ang mukha?

I was so ashamed with what I did. Malas pa nabasag ko ang salamin sa office. I got no other choice but to buy a new one. Siguro yun na ang parusa sa pagkuha ko ng palabok ng walang paalam… so bad! I was so bad.

Maglaro tayo! Reminiscing the past…

2008-11-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Maglaro tayo! Reminiscing the past…

The other day, I dreamt. Ex ko daw nagtxt asking for apology. Then I tried to wake my self up to know if it was really true. Naku! It’s true! (panaginip lang lang pala). I was supposed to tell a friend of mine about that dream but I wasn’t able to do so.

Later that night, when I had my dinner with a classmate, I asked her if anong araw nun. And then I answered my own question spanking my forehead “Shit! It’s the 5^th day of the month.” It was our monthsary (monthsary ng break-up).

“Sayang” I told my self. But sumagot isip ko. “How could you say na sayang na siya ang nang-iwan sayo. Stop hoping that he will comeback for you,” sabi niya. I’m not lonely not having him now but I admit, I’m still missing him.

I already accepted the fact that he’s with somebody else now. But the hardest thing is reminiscing the past, the moments that we had, and the love that he showed. Hay naku! Ang drama ng buhay pag palagi nalang iniiwan…

Ang marka ng kahapon ay palagi nalang bumabalik sa marupok kung isipan. Palagi nalang nagdurugo ang bato kong puso. Ang telepono ko ay wala ng buhay. Ang gasolina ay lalong tumataas ang presyo, si obama ang bagong hirang na presidente ng America, si jokjok bolante bumalik na ng pilipinas. Ang gulo ng mundo. Magulo rin ang utak, puso, kauluwa, konsensiya, at bulsa ko dahil wala akong pera.

Maybe they just don’t know kung ano talaga ang value ko. Di nila alam na kasing sweet ako ng kasoy, kasing ganda ng bougainvillea, mala eba ang pagka matuksuhin… ay ano bah… KAYA SIGURO PARANG GUSTO KO NA TALAGANG MAGING LALAKE…

love or career

2008-11-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

I visited jep-jep’s blog (http://jepjep.i.ph/) and it made my mind worked. He discussed if what should be given more importance, love life or career? Well, for me, I think it's hard to keep both at the same time. In my case before, my ex-boyfriend kept on demanding that we should see each other often. But I wasn't able to make it because we're studying in different schools. We just stayed for a month because according to him, it’s useless if things would remain the same.

Maybe we just really have different views in life. We’re both still busy with our studies and at the same time, I’m a student journalist. I needed more time to fulfill for my responsibilities. I really wanted to keep that relationship but he wanted his freedom more than to have me. He wanted someone who could spend more time for him, some who will always be there, and someone who will follow his words (unlike me).

But I think it’s up to the person if how he perceives things. Maybe he’s just meant to pass by in my life and make me realize some things. Well, that short love affair of ours will remain in the book of my beautiful life story. Though tears fell from my unemotional eyes, I’m still happy because I still found a life after him, a happy life with my friends.

NOTE from ambrucia: If you are in a relationship, it doesn't mean that you have to be together all the time. It’s how you trust, care, and love each other.

AKO? I’m fate less when it comes to love. That is why I’m just thinking positively that I will be rich! Hahaha! I learned that from jep-jep.

love-friendship betrayal

2008-11-04T08:51:00.001-08:00

Love-Friendship Betrayal

Over a long time i found a friend in you
I cared and trusted you
Many challenges and problems we passed through
For me your one of my best friends

You taught me how to fight and survive
In my roller coaster life, you're always there whenever i cry
But in a chapter of my life you committed a crime
You made me and our valued friendship die

I loved the knight of my dream
Waited a thousand of years to have him
You betrayed me and followed your hidden desire
How painful it was hearing the sorrow hymn

You've been a friend of mine for a long time
Can't believe you drove me in death
I was so dumb for ignoring betrayal signs
Will he love you forever and never come back to me???

NOTE: I trusted a very dear friend before but she just wasted it. she just wasted our friendship.

Oct.5: A Night of Love; A Night of Grief

2008-11-04T08:16:00.001-08:00

Oct.5: A Night of Love; A Night of Grief

It was February 4, 2007, when I forwarded a message to a friend about the “evils of alcohol.” I never expected that he would bother to reply, but receiving a message from him brought me intense happiness. He asked me if how I was doing and if we could bring back the friendship that we once lost because of some reasons. Without any second thought, I agreed with that idea and talk about things that happened in the past. I gained hope that afternoon. I was so desperate over him.

In history, a friend of mine introduced him to me on July 11 2006, around 5 in the afternoon. I engraved the date and time in my mind because I felt that he would not just be an ordinary acquaintance to me. We talked and spent some time hanging out with our common friends. We were teased that we could be a perfect couple.

I admit I liked him, but I ended up in a relationship with someone else I don’t want to be with. That fancy commitment lasted less than a month and carried all the regrets why I chose him. Engaging myself with somebody else brought a sudden gap between us. The closeness turned to bitterness and we just ended up nodding to each other every time our path crosses as if we don’t know each other.

After months of regret, I never expected that there would be a second chance for us. So, when he replied in the quote that I sent him, my hope grew again. That very next day, around 5 in the afternoon, we talked and clarified everything that happened in the past. We apologized to each other and agreed that it’s better for us to forget about the past. After a long time of wait, I got him! My friends were shocked when I announced that he’ my official boyfriend already. They were so happy for me and I was so proud having him as my lover. I made a promise to myself that I would love and be loyal to him, which I really did.

I was so happy all the time that we’ve been together and never asked for more. Days and months passed. On our 8th monthsary, we went out together with his friends. When he got tipsy, he said “kahit maliit na tao lang to, mahal ko to” right in front of his friends. I was so touched and wished that we would stay longer, but few days later, he gone astray.

While spending my vacation in our hometown, a girl from Manila texted me and identified herself as the long time girlfriend of my man. She confronted me if I and her so-called boyfriend were in a relationship. That message made me cry that night. I hurried to come back to Dumaguete to see and talk to him. A talk wasn’t able to save the 8month relationship; we broke up officially on October 23.

I told myself not to cry again and to accept everything including that fact that I must set free the man that I love. The next night after our break up, a friend of mine told me that my boy or shall I say my ‘EX” was attracted with one of my friends. I lost my senses when I heard that hurtful truth.

I tried to understand the situation. I wanted to accept the fact that nothing last forever, but it had been so hard for me to forgive them because I still heard stories that they continued seeing each other and even got closer. I was hurt, I am hurt, and I don’t know if until when I would be hurt.

FEBRUARY 5 IS SIGNIFICANT FOR ME… it was a happy memory and also a curse……

NOTE: I posted it first in my multiply account… It’s been a year (Oct. 5, 07) when he said in front of his friends that he loved me… I was so happy that night. But just this October 5, 08, another significant and hurtful thing happened. I and my latest boyfriend broke up.

The Road Not Taken

2008-11-02T11:15:00.000-08:00

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost (1915)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Side view of my dramas

2008-10-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

Christmas was so early in our office. When I arrived from a 5-day vacation in our hometown, our office was decorated with colored lights and the Christmas tree was put-up again.

For four years of my stay here in Dumaguete, I was able to see the Buglas Festival for the first time. I found some of the tribes great while others were not that so bubbly.

I just want to show my sexy back, just never mind my scary face!

I’m so serious, as if I’m a call center agent. Actually, I don’t even know how to operate computer. Joke!

I’m blinded by the white lies...

I expected a lot from someone but he’s just like other guys.

I feel so sexy. Hehe! (Feeling lang naman)

Beware of my powerful eyes.

(I’m a power ranger!)

I’m still thinking of him. It’s been almost a month since the last time I saw him.